I'm alive!

I don't know if anyone still reads this blog, and that's totally understandable. I have been reading, but not able to comment, and haven't been able to post in a LONG time. Here's what's happened in the past months in bullet points:

• We listed our house in the crappy neighborhood, and took a small "hit" to get out, but sold it!
• We bought a new (older) house and LOVE the street, area, and trees!! Our yard is huge...and we are slowly working on projects and finishing the unpacking.
• Baby boy is still baking away and I am VERY impatient. I am 38 weeks pregnant tomorrow.
• Christopher is as precious as ever, and we are loving watching him grow closer to a big 3 year old!

Any labor vibes that can be sent my way are appreciated. I start to develop an overwhelming sense of anxiety at this point in my pregnancy about something happening to the baby before he comes. My OB is in Ireland on vacation until Monday - so it's been 2 weeks with the nurse practitioner that I cannot stand...so my fears have pretty much been brushed over and ignored. I am uncomfortable, anxiety-ridden, and ready to start this next phase in our lives. I will certainly update when baby boy comes!

Great 16 Week Ultrasound!

All looks well with baby BOY! :) That's right, Intel.ligender was wrong, very wrong! I am going to update the company, just because the representative asked me to. My perinatologist and the ultrasound tech said that, in their experience, that test is about 50% correct. Hmm....

Anyway, he is growing right on track, and the peri assured me that everything looks good. Blood was drawn for my AFP screening to check for a risk of neural tube defects, but she told me that at this stage they can usually see some signs via ultrasound if there is a major concern. I hope she's right and he arrives big and healthy in August!

We go back for another ultrasound 4 weeks to take a look at the heart and some other areas that are hard to see closely at this stage. But, there was no mistaking the boy parts!! And, although I admit to being a tiny bit sad that I most likely won't be able to experience a mother/daughter relationship (especially since I don't have my own mom), I am thrilled to be close to raising brothers. I hope I can foster their relationship so that they will have lifelong friends in each other. And an added perk is that the boys are going to have birthdays fairly close together, so Christopher's clothes should fit baby brother and I get teary thinking about putting a second baby in all of those cute little things with memories attached.

I will post soon with a name poll - I like a name, but I'm afraid it's a little "out there" compared to Christopher, which is so traditional. Coming soon!

Thanks for reading!

Boy or Girl?

I broke down and bought an Inte.lligender test. Handed my $30 to the cashier...she looked at the box and asked, "Is this supposed to tell you what you're having?" Um...so it claims! We'll see if the results hold true.

It did have a disclaimer on the box that if you have PCOS, you can possibly get a false "boy" result. So the test results were gold/orange (girl), with greenish sediment (boy?). So I emailed the company (including the photo below). They responded promptly and said just the color of the liquid in the vial mattered - so it's a "girl" result. The rep asked me to email when we found out via ultrasound to see if results were "confirmed". My 16 week ultrasound is 1 week from today, so hopefully we will get a look then! :) Either way I will be thrilled...we just want healthy.

We are debating names right now. I'd like to honor my mom (who's passing was 2 years ago yesterday). Her name was Ann. So right now the contenders are Abigail Ann, Lillian Ann (called Lilly Ann), Olivia Ann, and Annabelle Grace. I love Annabelle, but my hang up is that my cousin, who is getting married in July, mentioned a few months ago, that they have chosen Annabelle or Sebastian for future children. I didn't ask, she volunteered the info - I wish she had never said anything! Because now if we use the name, it looks like "name stealing". My second choice is Abigail Ann (Abby) at this point. We'll just have to see if this is even an issue on Wednesday if he or she cooperates! :)

Second Trimester...

I'm heading into the second trimester - I will be 14 weeks on Thursday. I had an OB appointment yesterday, and all looks good. My NT scan also went well. So I'm cruising along until March 3rd. I will be 16 weeks, and have an ultrasound scheduled with my Peri. I hope we are able to take a peek and maybe a guess at the baby's gender? All wives tales are pointing toward girl -but we'll see! I really want to try the Intelligender Test, but it's not reliable for PCOS patients, so I guess I'll save my $35. :(

In other news, my dad is getting remarried in April. His fiancee is a nice lady, but definitely not my mom. I know that's probably a good thing. She is very accepting of us and very sweet to Christopher, so in that respect we are lucky. It is just hard seeing him snuggle and kiss another woman - so strange.

I am thinking of all of you out there - I was out of town all last week, and only checked blogs from my phone. I will be a better poster/commenter this week...it's my goal!

Kitty Chaos

This is totally off topic, but it made up a good portion of my night last night, so I thought I'd post about it! We have quite a zoo in our house. Three cats and two dogs. Two of the kitties sleep in our room at night. Last night, they decided to have a "puke-off" and proceeded to throw up multiple times through the night - ugh! Those of you with cats know the sound I'm talking about. It can wake you from a dead sleep so you make sure they aren't on the bed or anywhere nearby where they can do damage to linens or worse! Needless to say, it was a long night of rude awakenings. Thanks, George and KK for the chaotic sleep last night!

Three more nights until my NT scan...

11 Weeks

All seems to be well with the little one. I am still tired, and very nauseated in the evenings. No morning sickness for me - but the evening sickness kicks in at about 4! Just in time for Jer to get home and deal with a grumpy, icky feeling me...lucky guy. My spotting has stopped (knock on wood), although I have to really watch my water intake and drink a LOT, or I get a little crampy. My NT scan is Thursday, and I'm looking forward to seeing my Peri. I saw her with my pregnancy with Christopher. At my last ultrasound, the tech said it looked like I had a complete placenta previa, so I'm curious to see what the Peri has to say about the previa.

That's about all that's going on here! I will post again after my NT scan, if not before.

All is well!

Thank you all so much for the support. I feel like I sounded a little dramatic and whiney. I am really SO anxious during pregnancy. I don't enjoy the feeling that I have no control, and all the worry, hope, and positive thoughts really can't change the outcome of things. It is nice to have a support group that doesn't think I'm utterly crazy. (Or maybe you do, and you're trying to treat the crazy lady nicely!)

I went in and met with my RE. I got another ultrasound, which showed the very tiny (1cm x 1.4cm) subchorionic hematoma. He also did a pelvic exam which hurt! It turns out that my cervix is irritated from progesterone, and a yeast infection - nice! Which is causing my vag to swell and irritate my cervix. The bleeding isn't coming from the uterus. He also said that up to 82% of pregnancies have small hematomas and may never know. He's not worried about it, and told me to stay away from google. ;) Thanks Dr. G.

I'm feeling better about it all. My doppler arrived this week, but since I'm not slim, and it's still early (10 weeks, 1 day), I haven't been able to find the HB just yet. I'm not worried, surprisingly. I have another appointment on Monday to check the infection and we'll get another peek at the baby. Then my NT scan is on February 4th.

Here's the latest photo - we have yet to come up with an "in the womb" nickname for the little one. He/she has all four limbs and a very large head right now! :)

Scared...

I've begun spotting. It started very lightly after my ultrasound on Monday, but seems to come and go. I don't know if it's related to the SCH, being on blood thinners, or worse. I am trying to "take it easy" and I think I'll give my doctor a call this morning just to let him know what's going on. I know he can't do anything, and it's just a waiting game at this point.

I just really wish that Jer hadn't convinced me to "announce" at 9.5 weeks. If something happens, I'd rather not have to go into it. Trying to remain positive because the little one was looking so good on the ultrasound Monday. Please stay, little one, we want you so badly.

Hanging in there...

I am now 9 weeks and 4 days. I had an ultrasound this morning, and everything looks good with the baby. Heartrate of 176 and measuring right on target. The tech did find a subchorionic hematoma, which of course has me worried. I haven't had any bleeding related to it, so I just have to wait it out and pray that it resolves on it's own.

I am still reading blogs, just not posting as often. I hope to get back into responding and posting now that Jer is back at work -he was off for a week and we spent most of the time doing boring but necessary things around the house!

A little bean!

There's a little bean in there with a beating heart. My doctor also did a pelvic exam and my cervix is "nice and closed". So, I don't know what the lack of symptoms is about, but I am going to remain positive. All is going as it should. The heartrate was 127 bmp, which I thought sounded a little low, but my doctor assured me it was totally fine at this stage. The baby measured right on target at 6w6d. And he is assuming that the cramping/pain I'm feeling is related to the huge cyst. Now it's at 57mm. I'm on pelvic rest to try to keep it from rupturing, and it should resolve on it's own by 20 weeks.

My next appointment isn't until January 18 due to our trip to Santa Fe next week. I have a long wait ahead of me!

When I sent the news via text to some friends, one wrote back, "Good things can happen to you, too, Tina, so enjoy it!" I know I tend to focus on the negative since it seems like I've had a "dark cloud" hanging over me the past few years. I am going to try to live each moment with this little bean positively. He or she deserves that, and so do my husband and son. They deserve a happy, positive wife and mother. Thanks everyone for the good thoughts and prayers!

The panic sets in...

I have "lost" any early pregnancy symptoms that I had. I also had some minor cramping on Christmas Day and the day after. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 8:20 - they snuck me in because of the cramping. We'll see where we stand then. I haven't had any spotting, so I'm not losing all hope, but I know that's not a sure sign that things are ok. I am so envious of those who get a positive pregnancy test and can shout from the rooftops and "count on" a baby in the end. I know it doesn't always work that way, but I do wish I had a little more confidence and could enjoy this part of pregnancy. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow morning!

Ultrasound Report...

I had my ultrasound yesterday morning, and things seem to be where they should be. The sac measured 5w5d (and I was 5w6dpIUI). The tech also saw a good yolk sac as well. I can't get in next week for my follow up to hopefully see a little beating heart because of holiday schedules at my RE's office. So I have to wait until Monday, January 4th. That seems so far away. If I make it that far, I should be close to 8 weeks at that point. I definitely feel like things are in limbo right now.

Symptom-wise, things are very mild. I have some food aversion at times, and occasionally sore breasts, but nothing major. I almost wish I was puking my guts out - it would be some reassurance! I didn't with Christopher, but I felt nauseated from 7 to 12 weeks or so.

So, that's the report. We're heading to see Jer's family right after Christmas. I probably won't have much to report until after the new year. Thanks for reading!

Ultrasound Scheduled - eek!

Next Tuesday at 10:00 I will see what's going on in there. My last beta was 2193 (a doubling time of 31 hours). Hoping for a beating heart, but I will be 5w6d at that point (if I conceived/ovulated the day of the IUI). Still not having many symptoms except extreme insomnia early in the morning, but that could be stress related. We shall see...

Quiet...

It's been quiet around here. I'm exhausted. In good news, my hcg levels continue to rise. Yesterday's beta (19dpIUI) was 485. Things are looking good at the moment. I'm thinking I will have an ultrasound Friday or early next week.

In bad news, Jer is getting a pay cut. Nice of the company to announce it the week before Christmas, huh? We will be ok - it's fairly small - about $175 per month. But he feels embarrassed (even though it's nothing he did), and I just worry that my staying at home is such a burden. It's something we both feel strongly about, and who is going to employ a teacher who is due in August just before school starts?? So we will cut back and try to look at the positives. Our little ones don't need "things" or extravagant trips - they just need our love and simple things in life, right? I sure hope so. And these years go by so fast - so before too long, I'll be able to get back to work if we need it then and things will be ok. It's just an emotional time. Good news clouded by bad...

But here's a smile that melts my heart!

Nerves...

I have my second beta today. The last 3 pregnancies have had dropping betas on the second draw, so that leaves me extremely nervous about today. I am hoping and praying with everything I've got that this little bean is here to stay and will be a screaming baby in a little less than a year.

I hope my RE's office doesn't take their sweet time calling me with the news either. I'll update when I have the numbers.

Beta #1 at 13dpo

hCG - 46
progesterone - 79

Next one is on Friday - so we'll know more then. The numbers are better than any of my losses, but still at the "just below average" range. Though I know the doubling time is what really matters. Now the worry really begins!

Wow...

First of all, I want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments on my last post. I was pretty low. The weekend's services went well, but it was definitely emotional. Thanks again so much for all of your sweet words.

In other news, I got a positive test last night, and again this morning. I begged to have my beta moved to today, so my next one will be Thursday or Friday to see if things are increasing. I'm hoping this one sticks around! I know all too well that a positive test doesn't necessarily mean what it should, but I'm staying positive!

I'll edit when the nurse calls with my first numbers.

10 dpIUI and a BFN

I won't test again until Monday night or Tuesday morning...I'm out of tests and heading out of town for my grandfather's funeral. I hope my hunch (that IUI #2 didn't work) is wrong and I get two lines next week. We'll see.

In other news - will find out sometime within the next two weeks if our health coverage remains the same, or changes to a plan that does not cover any fertility treatments. I was going through this thinking we had 6 medicated IUI cycles, but we may not. If that's the case, I'm thinking we will take a little break, then get try Clomid or Femara with a trigger and timed intercourse. Just leaving out the IUI since it's my ovaries that suck, and DH's swimmers seem to do ok (since I've been pregnant 5 times in the last 3 years - but only have one child.)

I hope they decide to give us one more year with the good coverage. I've been an emotional mess these last few days worrying that if I'm not pregnant now, I never will be again. I know we are blessed to have our healthy little boy, and I feel selfish whining about wanting more children when so many I know in this community just want one chance to be a mommy or a daddy, but I still have a physical longing to be pregnant again, and give my son a sibling. I just wish it was easy. Sorry to be a complainer, but that's my mood today...back to editing photos now.

One last thing, honestly, what are your thoughts on me posting a photo or two of my son here? I am hesitant to, since this is an IF blog - though secondary IF. It won't hurt my feelings at all...just wondering about opinions overall. Thanks in advance...

I'm a testaholic!!

So, I totally blew my plan to not test until Monday. Just want to "test out" my trigger. I got a second line this morning on my first "test-out" dollar store test.

I'm horrible at waiting! 8dpIUI - 4 days to go until I can feel like my results are reliable.

Cramping and the Client from Hell!

I had my progesterone draw yesterday, but probably won't hear from the RE with the results of that until Friday. I have been having some cramping and a lower backache for about a day an a half now. I hope my progesterone isn't low, which is causing the AF-like cramps. I started the suppositories last night, so I hope that helps.

This week I had my WORST EVER experience with a photography client. It was three sisters who wanted a large family photo and 3 individual family photo "mini sessions" (I'm doing those for Christmas cards). The session itself was a nightmare. I've never had adults scream at and spank their children at a photo shoot, but it happened numerous times at this one. One father was cussing at his 6 year old daughter...nice. After the session, things got worse. One sister didn't like her photos - she said she was squinting (I didn't know that wasn't her smile - she made the face in ALL of the photos). Then they just became rude. I offered everything I could to make things right again - a reshoot at no charge, going back through all unedited images, letting them look at minimally processed images to see if they liked any others...above and beyond what the "mini session" was supposed to be, which was a short shoot and 5 edited images on CD for Holiday cards, etc. (all for $35, since I'm building my portfolio). I think I am finally rid of them after a few tears to DH and my friends...I've actually never been treated so rudely - and I was working SO hard to make them happy. I guess you can't please everyone. I did make a couple of mistakes at the shoot, but it was such a chaotic situation, and so I think for what they paid, it was reasonable. I'd love to show the photos, but I'm worried about them somehow finding the link on my blog. That's a scary thought!! Maybe I'll post a couple for critique once I know they are done with me for good!

My grandfather passed away early yesterday morning, so I will be at his services Sunday night and Monday morning. Monday will be 12dpIUI, and my unofficial "test day". I hope for some happier news on that morning. I'm sad for my sweet grandmother, but I am happy that my grandfather is now comfortable.

What a week it's been...back to the photo editing. The bad clients have put me behind, and that leads to some insomnia for Tina! :)