2nd Time Around...

This Thanksgiving will be the second without my mom. It always seems to hit me as the dates approach. I am weepy, thinking about "what if she were here..." and just wishing I could see her, hear her voice, or get a big hug from her again. It sometimes takes my breath away when I think that I will NEVER again be around my mother in this life. I was raised Catholic, and have always believed in "heaven" - but I also have some bitterness surrounding that. Yes, I know she's "with" me in spirit all the time. But, honestly, that doesn't really make me feel better. I want her here to be my mom, and to be Christopher's grandmother. I want him to know how much she loves him, spend weekends playing with her, getting her wonderful hugs and kisses. And that won't happen when she's "with" me in spirit.

I love Thanksgiving. I love the preparation, the food, the gathering with family without all the added pressure of gifts at Christmas. It is my favorite holiday. I need to think of some new traditions for my little family. So my child (and hopefully a sibling someday) will learn to love this time of year too. And maybe some of the sadness that hangs over me will be lessened and I can be enthusiastic about the holidays again.

On the fertility front - finishing up Clomid today, and CD 13 u/s next Tuesday.