A little bean!

There's a little bean in there with a beating heart. My doctor also did a pelvic exam and my cervix is "nice and closed". So, I don't know what the lack of symptoms is about, but I am going to remain positive. All is going as it should. The heartrate was 127 bmp, which I thought sounded a little low, but my doctor assured me it was totally fine at this stage. The baby measured right on target at 6w6d. And he is assuming that the cramping/pain I'm feeling is related to the huge cyst. Now it's at 57mm. I'm on pelvic rest to try to keep it from rupturing, and it should resolve on it's own by 20 weeks.

My next appointment isn't until January 18 due to our trip to Santa Fe next week. I have a long wait ahead of me!

When I sent the news via text to some friends, one wrote back, "Good things can happen to you, too, Tina, so enjoy it!" I know I tend to focus on the negative since it seems like I've had a "dark cloud" hanging over me the past few years. I am going to try to live each moment with this little bean positively. He or she deserves that, and so do my husband and son. They deserve a happy, positive wife and mother. Thanks everyone for the good thoughts and prayers!

The panic sets in...

I have "lost" any early pregnancy symptoms that I had. I also had some minor cramping on Christmas Day and the day after. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 8:20 - they snuck me in because of the cramping. We'll see where we stand then. I haven't had any spotting, so I'm not losing all hope, but I know that's not a sure sign that things are ok. I am so envious of those who get a positive pregnancy test and can shout from the rooftops and "count on" a baby in the end. I know it doesn't always work that way, but I do wish I had a little more confidence and could enjoy this part of pregnancy. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow morning!

Ultrasound Report...

I had my ultrasound yesterday morning, and things seem to be where they should be. The sac measured 5w5d (and I was 5w6dpIUI). The tech also saw a good yolk sac as well. I can't get in next week for my follow up to hopefully see a little beating heart because of holiday schedules at my RE's office. So I have to wait until Monday, January 4th. That seems so far away. If I make it that far, I should be close to 8 weeks at that point. I definitely feel like things are in limbo right now.

Symptom-wise, things are very mild. I have some food aversion at times, and occasionally sore breasts, but nothing major. I almost wish I was puking my guts out - it would be some reassurance! I didn't with Christopher, but I felt nauseated from 7 to 12 weeks or so.

So, that's the report. We're heading to see Jer's family right after Christmas. I probably won't have much to report until after the new year. Thanks for reading!

Ultrasound Scheduled - eek!

Next Tuesday at 10:00 I will see what's going on in there. My last beta was 2193 (a doubling time of 31 hours). Hoping for a beating heart, but I will be 5w6d at that point (if I conceived/ovulated the day of the IUI). Still not having many symptoms except extreme insomnia early in the morning, but that could be stress related. We shall see...

Quiet...

It's been quiet around here. I'm exhausted. In good news, my hcg levels continue to rise. Yesterday's beta (19dpIUI) was 485. Things are looking good at the moment. I'm thinking I will have an ultrasound Friday or early next week.

In bad news, Jer is getting a pay cut. Nice of the company to announce it the week before Christmas, huh? We will be ok - it's fairly small - about $175 per month. But he feels embarrassed (even though it's nothing he did), and I just worry that my staying at home is such a burden. It's something we both feel strongly about, and who is going to employ a teacher who is due in August just before school starts?? So we will cut back and try to look at the positives. Our little ones don't need "things" or extravagant trips - they just need our love and simple things in life, right? I sure hope so. And these years go by so fast - so before too long, I'll be able to get back to work if we need it then and things will be ok. It's just an emotional time. Good news clouded by bad...

But here's a smile that melts my heart!

Nerves...

I have my second beta today. The last 3 pregnancies have had dropping betas on the second draw, so that leaves me extremely nervous about today. I am hoping and praying with everything I've got that this little bean is here to stay and will be a screaming baby in a little less than a year.

I hope my RE's office doesn't take their sweet time calling me with the news either. I'll update when I have the numbers.

Beta #1 at 13dpo

hCG - 46
progesterone - 79

Next one is on Friday - so we'll know more then. The numbers are better than any of my losses, but still at the "just below average" range. Though I know the doubling time is what really matters. Now the worry really begins!

Wow...

First of all, I want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments on my last post. I was pretty low. The weekend's services went well, but it was definitely emotional. Thanks again so much for all of your sweet words.

In other news, I got a positive test last night, and again this morning. I begged to have my beta moved to today, so my next one will be Thursday or Friday to see if things are increasing. I'm hoping this one sticks around! I know all too well that a positive test doesn't necessarily mean what it should, but I'm staying positive!

I'll edit when the nurse calls with my first numbers.

10 dpIUI and a BFN

I won't test again until Monday night or Tuesday morning...I'm out of tests and heading out of town for my grandfather's funeral. I hope my hunch (that IUI #2 didn't work) is wrong and I get two lines next week. We'll see.

In other news - will find out sometime within the next two weeks if our health coverage remains the same, or changes to a plan that does not cover any fertility treatments. I was going through this thinking we had 6 medicated IUI cycles, but we may not. If that's the case, I'm thinking we will take a little break, then get try Clomid or Femara with a trigger and timed intercourse. Just leaving out the IUI since it's my ovaries that suck, and DH's swimmers seem to do ok (since I've been pregnant 5 times in the last 3 years - but only have one child.)

I hope they decide to give us one more year with the good coverage. I've been an emotional mess these last few days worrying that if I'm not pregnant now, I never will be again. I know we are blessed to have our healthy little boy, and I feel selfish whining about wanting more children when so many I know in this community just want one chance to be a mommy or a daddy, but I still have a physical longing to be pregnant again, and give my son a sibling. I just wish it was easy. Sorry to be a complainer, but that's my mood today...back to editing photos now.

One last thing, honestly, what are your thoughts on me posting a photo or two of my son here? I am hesitant to, since this is an IF blog - though secondary IF. It won't hurt my feelings at all...just wondering about opinions overall. Thanks in advance...

I'm a testaholic!!

So, I totally blew my plan to not test until Monday. Just want to "test out" my trigger. I got a second line this morning on my first "test-out" dollar store test.

I'm horrible at waiting! 8dpIUI - 4 days to go until I can feel like my results are reliable.

Cramping and the Client from Hell!

I had my progesterone draw yesterday, but probably won't hear from the RE with the results of that until Friday. I have been having some cramping and a lower backache for about a day an a half now. I hope my progesterone isn't low, which is causing the AF-like cramps. I started the suppositories last night, so I hope that helps.

This week I had my WORST EVER experience with a photography client. It was three sisters who wanted a large family photo and 3 individual family photo "mini sessions" (I'm doing those for Christmas cards). The session itself was a nightmare. I've never had adults scream at and spank their children at a photo shoot, but it happened numerous times at this one. One father was cussing at his 6 year old daughter...nice. After the session, things got worse. One sister didn't like her photos - she said she was squinting (I didn't know that wasn't her smile - she made the face in ALL of the photos). Then they just became rude. I offered everything I could to make things right again - a reshoot at no charge, going back through all unedited images, letting them look at minimally processed images to see if they liked any others...above and beyond what the "mini session" was supposed to be, which was a short shoot and 5 edited images on CD for Holiday cards, etc. (all for $35, since I'm building my portfolio). I think I am finally rid of them after a few tears to DH and my friends...I've actually never been treated so rudely - and I was working SO hard to make them happy. I guess you can't please everyone. I did make a couple of mistakes at the shoot, but it was such a chaotic situation, and so I think for what they paid, it was reasonable. I'd love to show the photos, but I'm worried about them somehow finding the link on my blog. That's a scary thought!! Maybe I'll post a couple for critique once I know they are done with me for good!

My grandfather passed away early yesterday morning, so I will be at his services Sunday night and Monday morning. Monday will be 12dpIUI, and my unofficial "test day". I hope for some happier news on that morning. I'm sad for my sweet grandmother, but I am happy that my grandfather is now comfortable.

What a week it's been...back to the photo editing. The bad clients have put me behind, and that leads to some insomnia for Tina! :)

And once again, trying not to obsess!

I'm 5dpIUI today, and have some mild cramping on and off. I haven't had any cramping at all this cycle (not even any the day of the IUI) so this is a bit different than last time where I cramped for days after the IUI. I'm staying positive and hoping for the best.

Today would have been my parents' 35th wedding anniversary. It's so strange to think of my dad marrying someone else sometime next year, but that's what's going to happen. I am actually ok with that part. His fiancee is very sweet, and great to my little guy. Jer (DH) is having a harder time with it all. Sometimes I wish he'd just follow my lead on these things - it was my mom, afterall - but he has a harder time with transitions and changes, and loved my mom a lot too.

Best of luck to everyone out there in the 2ww...let's hope for a nice round of BFP's next week! :)

IUI #2 Done!

Yesterday morning we went in at 8:30, and the IUI took place at about 10:45. My RE was very positive this time - he wasn't the last, so I'm taking that as a good sign. Also, this IUI didn't hurt a bit, leading me to believe that my cervix was nice and open this time (a good fertility sign?). He said DH was a "rockstar" and his numbers were excellent, though we failed to ask for specifics. I'm continuing to listen to my guided meditation and praying for at least one of those little eggs to find a match and dig in for the long haul.

We are spending Thanksgiving with our good friends and their two children. I'm in charge of the sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, dressing, and fresh green beans. We will have a LOT of food...looking forward to it!

During this 2ww, I plan to stay positive, and not start testing until 12 dpIUI. (Very difficult for an admitted pregnancy test addict.) I'm going to force myself to stick to it...

IUI #2 Tomorrow...

Went in for CD13 ultrasound today. One follicle on each side - 22mm and 24.5mm - seem pretty big - I hope that second one isn't "too mature" - is that possible? I didn't see my RE today, just the u/s tech and nurse for my hCG shot. My lining was at 12mm. Fingers crossed that we make a little turkey sometime within the next few days. I guess we'll know in about two weeks. When should I test? I'm going to try to resist until 12 dpiui. I just can't wait for the call from the RE's office after the beta. I like to be prepared for the call...

2nd Time Around...

This Thanksgiving will be the second without my mom. It always seems to hit me as the dates approach. I am weepy, thinking about "what if she were here..." and just wishing I could see her, hear her voice, or get a big hug from her again. It sometimes takes my breath away when I think that I will NEVER again be around my mother in this life. I was raised Catholic, and have always believed in "heaven" - but I also have some bitterness surrounding that. Yes, I know she's "with" me in spirit all the time. But, honestly, that doesn't really make me feel better. I want her here to be my mom, and to be Christopher's grandmother. I want him to know how much she loves him, spend weekends playing with her, getting her wonderful hugs and kisses. And that won't happen when she's "with" me in spirit.

I love Thanksgiving. I love the preparation, the food, the gathering with family without all the added pressure of gifts at Christmas. It is my favorite holiday. I need to think of some new traditions for my little family. So my child (and hopefully a sibling someday) will learn to love this time of year too. And maybe some of the sadness that hangs over me will be lessened and I can be enthusiastic about the holidays again.

On the fertility front - finishing up Clomid today, and CD 13 u/s next Tuesday.

The Next Step...

I took a "First Response Gold" this morning, and threw it immediately away after it flashed the harsh "-NO" at me at 5am. Even though my beta is tomorrow, and I will have the bloodwork, I know that this cycle hasn't worked. So...I'm going to start focusing on what I can do to feel more "in control" and calm next cycle.

I am going to start doing guided meditation throughout the cycle, and yoga 2 to 3 times per week. I may add to this list as I do a little more research. I truly felt so chaotic during most of this cycle, I feel like I need something that I control to give me a little balance...and hopefully put me in a better frame of mind.

Waiting for CD1 to get here...hopefully she won't make me wait too long.

12dpIUI #1

I broke down and tested first thing this morning. A snow-white BFN. I don't actually know when I ovulated (wasn't charting - but will next cycle), but I'm either 11 or 12dpo. I will take another test tomorrow morning, and then the beta on Wednesday. I'm not hopeful at this point, but really ready to move onto the next cycle.

I'm extremely busy for the next few weeks with holiday photo shoots. I will make more than enough to cover my copays and meds for the next cycle or two - so that's a good thing! I will be doing lots of kid-wrangling and trying to coax smiles, or at least pleasant expressions out of my little clients. Fun times...

A question for my fellow progesterone users...how long did it take for AF to arrive after stopping the progesterone?

TRYING NOT TO OBSESS!!

And not being too successful. I have two FRER tests in my bathroom, calling my name. I may use one in the morning, at 12dpIUI, if I can't resist. I'd really like to get back to the gym if this cycle's a bust - I've been light on my workouts at the advice of my RE. So, I'm just going to give in and test, and if it's negative, I'll head to the gym and sweat away my frustration.

We had a good weekend with friends, but our friends' son came down with a stomach virus last night. I hope we all stay free of it, but seeing that Christopher was hugging his friend yesterday afternoon, we may not be so lucky. This would be the first barfing bug for Christopher if it makes an appearance.

So...hoping for some nausea for me in the form of morning sickness, not for Christopher in the form of a virus. :)

Still in a holding pattern...

Went for my progesterone blood draw yesterday. They hadn't ordered it "stat" so I won't get results until today or tomorrow. I did start progesterone just in case it's low (it's always been low) and didn't want to wait another couple of days for my RE's office to get around to calling me.

The trigger is officially out of my system at 8dpIUI. So, any test I take after this point is the "real deal". We have plans for the weekend - heading out to my grandparents' ranch with some friends, so hopefully these days will fly by. I'm taking Christopher to visit my dad and also to see my mom's parents today, and will meet Jer and friends down at the ranch tomorrow.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for myself and my TWW buddies! I definitely feel the effects of the progesterone, but I'll adjust to it quickly. My hopes are already too high about this cycle...

Day 6 of the wait...

My emotions are all over the place. I am hopeful one minute, and just sure that I have PMS and things are going to fail the next. I am just not in a great place right now. I need to work on some positive thinking.

My mindset needs to change, today.

10 more days to go...

until Beta Day. We had a busy weekend with my best friend's 30th birthday party Friday, and Halloween festivities yesterday. Christopher's was Davy Crockett, and Jer went to work Friday as "Swine Flu". He wore horrifying pink scrubs, a surgical mask, and pig ears/nose. He was so proud of his costume idea - he hot glued cold medicine boxes to the shirt. Unfortunately, he lost his work costume contest to Captain Morgan and Jon and Kate Gosselin. ;)


In other news...I moved my hematologist appointment to this past Friday. And I have homogenous MTHFR A1298C. My hematologist sent me on my way with a large folder of articles to read, and a prescription for Lovenox injections to start upon a positive pregnancy test. He said to continue the folic acid and baby aspirin as well. I'm feeling better about all of it, as I have a doctor that is definitely proactive. I hope I get to fill the script sooner rather than later.

I've been crampy for the past few days after the IUI, but I hear it's fairly normal...anyone? I am torn as to whether I will allow myself to see how long the trigger takes to work it's way out of my system using HPTs, or if I will be "strong" and wait. I bought three tests at the dollar store, and tested last night. It was of course positive, as the trigger is still in my system at 3dpIUI. I don't know if it will just be a form of torture to test every other day or so until beta. I am not a fan of the 2ww!

What the MTHFR?

Thanks to everyone from LFCA who had come over to my new little blog! I truly appreciate it - I've been reading links from LFCA for over a year now, and commenting some, but never felt like I was up for a blog of my own. I don't really know what changed, but it's nice to have a virtual support group, when my friends IRL are all very much fertile and don't really have an understanding.

Going on to address the title...yesterday afternoon at 4:50, I got a call from a hematology/oncology clinic. My RE had referred me for an appointment, but the woman doing the scheduling couldn't tell me why. Of course I went into ultra-panic mode. Oncology? What did he see in my blood work? I put in a call to my RE immediately following scheduling my appointment (I could barely remember my social or name when talking to the woman, I was really shocked.) My RE called back and said that I have the genetic mutation with the acronym MTHFR - which, in some cases, can lead to miscarriage, late pregnancy loss, etc. All of my losses have been early (chemical pregnancies), but we don't really know if this could be an issue. He said not to worry, and we should go ahead with the IUI. I was hesitant - I of course don't want another loss, but I also don't want to "waste" this cycle by cancelling it at the last minute. After some talking, Jer (my husband) and I decided to go ahead with the procedure and trust my RE's assurance that if he felt it was a serious threat, that he would never go ahead with something that would put me or a potential baby at risk. I'm hoping this was the right decision.

So...we spent the morning at the clinic, while Christopher spent the morning playing with friends. All seemed to go well, Jer had good swimmers, and the procedure itself took seconds. Now we just wait. Jer would like me to not test at all until the beta, but I'm not sure if I can hold out.

Hoping for reassurance from the hematologist on Tuesday. I didn't have any clotting issues with my successful pregnancy, and I wasn't on anything (no baby aspirin, etc). This time, my RE does have my on the aspirin therapy just as a precaution. I honestly have no idea how my son made it through the early stages of pregnancy with the way my body seems to be working against any future babies...

Thanks again for all the comments...I'm off to do some blog reading!

IUI set for tomorrow...

Today's ultrasound showed one mature follicle at 18mm, and another smaller one at 15mm. So, hopefully at least one will release a nice, healthy egg for me! We go in tomorrow morning for the IUI. One more day, and then the wait begins.

One more day....

I went in today for a monitoring ultrasound. The largest follicle has grown to 16mm, and the next one down is at 13. The rest are "tiny". I go in tomorrow for another u/s, and hopefully will trigger then. My uterine lining had increased, and is looking good!

First Post - Background

Here I am...days away from my first IUI, hoping to become a mom of two. Someday. Here's a little background:

I met and married my husband, and we started trying to for a baby soon after we got married. My mom was very sick, battling cancer, and we didn't want to waste any time that she had left with us. Right before Christmas of 2006, I got a positive pregnancy test, after what I thought was a very light period. I had a set of betas run a few days apart, and although I started on progesterone immediately, I lost the pregnancy about a week after finding out - right after Christmas. We stopped "trying" that next cycle, and I was surprised by another positive pregnancy test right before Valentine's day. I was referred to an RE for monitoring, and things progressed normally, although I was told in the beginning by my RE to "not get my hopes up." In September of 2007, I had a healthy baby boy.

My mom, who was my best friend, got to spend just over 5 months with my son. She passed away on February 23, 2008. I still can't completely believe that I will never hear her voice again, and that my son will never really know his Gannie. She was 53 when she died. I miss her every day, and try not to remember her last days and hours - I wouldn't want anyone to experience what we went through.

I now have a two year old. My husband and I want one more "little critter" (a nickname my mom gave my son). We know we are so blessed with our son, but we want him to have a sibling, and I long for another baby to hold. Since we started trying again about 6 months ago, I have had 3 chemical pregnancies. We have a new RE that we are working with - and this cycle involves 100mg of Clomid on days 5-9, and an HCG trigger shot when I have at least one mature follicle. Last Friday, on CD 13, I had 6 total follicles, two of which were at 10mm, and the rest were smaller. I'm hoping that's a decent response, and if I get pregnant, I can actually STAY that way this time.

I'm creating this blog as a way to keep a record of the next few days, weeks, months. We have a total of 6 cycles covered by insurance, so this is 1 of 6 - our first real try at a second child with help.

My next ultrasound is tomorrow morning, and I'm hoping to have a couple of mature follicles waiting!